Honestly, right now it’s all about whatever is cute, comfy, and most importantly hides the weight I’ve put on ever since my blood clot. As someone who’s always been petite, this has been a hard adjustment for me. At the same time, I feel that I’m getting into my groove with my style. The truth is that when you go up in weight, every purchase and every piece added to your closet matters more, for a number of reasons.
For one, when you’re petite, it feels like almost everything looks good on you. Sure, you have to worry about certain styles making you look even shorter, or that oversized and loose-fitting garments will make you look like you’re drowning in fabric, but overall clothes look better because, let’s be real, they’re made for that body type.
Secondly, you have to be absolutely sure that a piece fits you in exactly the right way. When I look in the mirror now, my biggest concern is: does this make me look fat? I know that I’ve gained weight, but my goal is to find clothing that doesn’t put that extra chub on display or worse, accentuates it. Does this make my butt look big? My thighs? Does this show my tummy? Does this make me look wide? I want to feel good in the clothing I put on because I don’t feel good about my body. Right now, clothes give an extra level of comfort that I need to hold my self-conscious ego in check.
Thirdly, when I never went above a small or a size 2, I felt like every purchase was an addition with no subtraction insight. I had things in my closet from high school. I knew that things would always fit and an out of style piece would be safely in my closet when it came back into style. I thought every piece I bought would get plenty of wear because I had always been the same size and always would be. Now, I have to think about how much I’ll wear it at my current weight. What if I go up a size? What if I go back down? Can this adapt to weight gain or loss?
Feeling like pieces are more temporary puts the price tag in a whole new light for me. How long will I actually be able to wear it? Because a piece can’t be timeless if my size doesn’t stay the same (which I’m hoping it won’t.) So all in all, each purchase means more to me, emotionally and financially.
Which brings me back comfort. I need to feel emotionally comfortable in every piece I put on. If it makes me self-conscious I’m not going to wear it. So as much as I dreamed of crop tops coming back into style, at this point in time, this style is not for me. Physical comfort is just as important. I don’t want jeans that make my stomach feel like it’s about to burst and every outfit needs to feel good sitting, standing, or any other position because my extra cushion shifts when I move.
Finally, all of this thought that now goes into my wardrobe has made me focus like never before on my personal style. When I pick up something while out shopping I ask myself: is this me? Not is it cute, plenty of items look great but they just don’t represent my true self. I used to love a variety, but now I love feeling like me. I want pieces that represent my personal comfortable Southern California bohemian beach girl vibe. Because A. I’ll wear it more, B. it will fit with the rest of my closet better, and C. after a dramatic life-altering blood clot that took my life on a whirlwind and made me feel like my life was no longer the one I had known, I just want to feel like me.
